Resilience in Real Leadership: How the Stories We Tell Ourselves Shape Our Strength
Resilience—it’s the first "R" in my REAL leadership model for a reason. In a world that demands leaders to juggle constant change, unpredictable challenges, and complex decisions, resilience becomes the backbone of sustainable leadership. But what does it really mean to be resilient? Is it just about pushing through tough times, or is there more to it?
Martin Seligman, a pioneer in positive psychology, offers us a powerful perspective on resilience through the concept of explanatory style. Simply put, it’s the way we explain the events in our lives—to ourselves and sometimes to others. And as it turns out, these inner narratives play a massive role in how we cope with stress and recover from setbacks.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
When something challenging happens—maybe a project fails, or you face unexpected criticism—how do you explain it to yourself? Do you spiral into a narrative of blame, self-doubt, or doom? Or do you approach it with curiosity, optimism, and a belief that things can improve?
Seligman identified three key dimensions of explanatory style:
- Personalisation: Do you see the setback as entirely your fault, or do you acknowledge external factors that may have contributed?
- Permanence: Do you believe the difficulty is permanent, or do you see it as a temporary challenge?
- Pervasiveness: Do you let the issue spill over into all areas of your life, or do you contain it within its context?
These three dimensions—personalisation, permanence, and pervasiveness—are what we call the "3 P’s of resilience." They provide a simple yet profound framework for reframing challenges and strengthening your bounce-back muscle.
Coaching Yourself (and Others) with the 3 P’s
Let’s say a leader receives negative feedback about their communication style. Without resilience, the leader might personalise the feedback (“I’m just not good at communicating”), make it permanent (“I’ll never improve”), and let it pervade other areas of their life (“This is going to ruin my credibility as a leader”).
But with a resilient mindset—and the 3 P’s—this leader can reframe the story:
- Personalisation: “Yes, I can improve my communication, but the feedback isn’t an attack on my entire leadership capability. It’s one piece of the puzzle.”
- Permanence: “This is a temporary challenge. With effort and the right tools, I can make progress.”
- Pervasiveness: “This doesn’t define who I am as a leader. It’s one area to grow in, and I’ve already succeeded in others.”
This reframing isn’t just for ourselves; it’s also a brilliant coaching tool. When leaders help their teams challenge unhelpful narratives and replace them with constructive ones, they create a ripple effect of resilience throughout their organisation.
Resilience is a Skill
The beauty of resilience is that it’s not a fixed trait—it’s a skill you can develop. And it starts with paying attention to your explanatory style.
The next time you face a challenge, pause. Ask yourself:
- Am I making this too personal?
- Am I treating this as permanent when it’s not?
- Am I letting this bleed into areas of my life where it doesn’t belong?
Resilience is about shifting the stories we tell ourselves, not just to endure challenges, but to grow stronger through them. And as leaders, the more we model this skill, the more we inspire resilience in those we lead.
So, what’s the story you’ll tell yourself today? Make it one of strength, adaptability, and belief in your ability to bounce back. Because Real Leadership starts with resilient leadership.
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