Tom was a sharp technical executive leader. Smart, capable, respected for his expertise, and proud of one thing in particular: his honesTty.
“I just tell it like it is,” he’d say. And to be fair, he did.
Tom didn’t sugar-coat. He didn’t dance around hard conversations. He said what he thought, directly and without hesitation. In his mind, that was leadership.
But a few months into his new role, the team told me a different story.
Morale had flattened. People were looking to leave and follow their previous leader. Ideas stopped coming forward. The room had gone quieter, not stronger. He was being real, but it wasn’t landing. And more importantly, it wasn’t leading.
Some leaders confuse being unfiltered with being authentic. They wear bluntness as a badge of honour and call it honesty. But honesty without self-awareness can do damage. Directness without care can shut people down. And being “real” without reflection can simply mean you are leading from habit, ego, and unchecked assumptions.
Tom’s turning point was the result of a great CEO who was willing to give him feedback, invest in a coach (me!), and a somewhat brutal 360-degree feedback exercise.
It took some hard and deep reflection and a few hard-hitting coaching conversations, before he began to see what had been invisible to him for years. His ego was too big. His self-awareness was too low. And his view of leadership was far too narrow.
Underneath his style was more than personality.
There were beliefs. Defences. Old ideas about what a strong leader looks like. A story that being respected meant being tough. That being challenged meant losing ground. That slowing down to listen somehow weakened his authority.
When he started to unpack where that came from, he began to see the possibilities for his leadership and what a shift could mean to him and his impact.
Tom didn’t stop being direct. He didn’t become soft or vague or performative. He became intentional. He learned to bring curiosity into conversations, not just certainty. He started to show respect in the way he challenged people. He thought more carefully about the impact he was having, not just the point he wanted to make.
And slowly, his leadership changed.
His team opened up. Trust started to rebuild. Conversations became more honest, not less. Collaboration improved because people no longer felt they had to protect themselves in his presence.
This is what real leadership asks of us.
Not just to say what we think.
Not just to be ourselves.
But to know ourselves well enough to lead in a way that creates connection, not
collateral damage.
Because being real is not an excuse for
poor emotional intelligence.
And it is not permission to ignore the effect we have on others.
It is about being honest enough to look at yourself before demanding more from everyone else.
That kind of honesty is harder.
And far more powerful.
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